Whew!

Our meeting this morning went very well.  I am relieved (very) but still concerned.

Tentatively, I return tomorrow or, at the latest, Monday.

This has been an ordeal.  

So things are not so very bad as I had feared.  That happens a lot for me. Wish it didn't.

I AM THINKING I need to get out of the education business for good, after this year. So many times my intentions have been misunderstood.  Same thing this time. It seems the concern was that some of the girls were concerned about my hugging them.  Guess I should have been more aware.  I'm told they will be removed from my classes and placed elsewhere, to protect all concerned.

guess who, cute lil stinkbug!

This has been so godawful.  Word is that Mr. Mccue is anxious to get me back. Need to talk to him, like, right away.

Still very concerned about how I will be perceived, particularly considering that I have been gone for three weeks. The "word" is out, without a doubt.

I need to get away, this weekend, out of my RV, out of Lake County.  Got to get my head right.

*******************************************************************************

It's over.

Thank the Good Lord Above, it is OVER.

Mr. M tells me that students have come to them in tears, worrying they weren't going to see me anymore.  When he told me that, I had to fight off the tears myself. A parent even  contacted him, saying her daughter really needs me to be her teacher.

This has been a HORRIBLE three weeks, horrible.

Today might be the day....

Waiting....

Spent much of the last 19 days doing that.  Am kind of tired of it...

Who knows what today will bring.  I will know shortly...

Hold the presses.

The investigator did not show this morning and was in another meeting of some kind.  He wants to reschedule for tomorrow morning.

The union rep says it would be good if I had proof that Mr. M said it was okay to hug students. My fear is that something else has come up, what I don't know.

The old paranoia is kicking into high gear. Rats.

I have emailed the union rep twice and he has not replied.  Asked him if something else was wrong.

Silence is deafening.

Confirmed.

Mr. M emailed someone about girls being "creeped out" by my side hugs.  Nuts.  Just when I thought this thing was settled.

Odd, particularly when Mr. M told us it was okay to give side hugs. He did.

Damn.

Maybe it's just better that I go on home to Carolina....

The nightmare may be over...

 But I will know more in the morning.

This has been a "god=awful" couple of weeks.

Just spoke to the investigator; he told me it is likely I will be back at CLMS by the end of the week.

The question remains, now....do I REALLY want to?

This morning, I met with my school next door neighbor who told me that one of her students blurted out that I got "fired for sexual assault." So the rumor is out there.  She has heard nothing more since then, but with men, the innuendo is enough sometimes.

Two ways to go at this:

If I do disappear, it will be assumed I was indeed guilty of some terrible transgression. Does that matter to me, since I will never see nor talk to any of these people ever again?  A conundrum. I've said I no longer care what anyone thinks of me.  Guess I will find out now if I really believe that.

Should I return, the very best kind of "revenge" will be to pick up where I left off as though nothing happened.  Trouble is that it DID. Can I, indeed, just pick up and go on?

Gonna have to decide by tomorrow.

Hopefully the issue will be resolved today

Still waiting here in the bus garage.

Just want this over and done, one way or another.

If I need to head home to Carolina, then let's do it.  If not, and they'll take me back at CLMS, then fine, let's do that too.

The waiting is the worst.....

Almost 3 PM and still no word.  Maybe I should not be so impatient but I am.

Science fair projects are due tomorrow.  There is going to be enough of a logjam....that is, assuming they even have me back art CLMS.  My next door neighbor reported that the head of the science department spoke of "when" (not if) I come back; my neighbor has been very optimistic from the start.  Wish I had her outlook. I could sure benefit from it.

here I am

What a journey.

Nothing like the trip down with the RV, towing the Miata behind.  That wS 16 HOURS of hell.

12 hours on the road yesterday and about 5 today, but that was due to 'thanksgiving traffic. And that little Miata is much more maneuverable than the RV.

Back to the bus garage tomorrow.  The investigation is still ongoing. Just exchanged e mails with the investigator, telling me that one student did, in fact, say people would be reading about me. He replied, saying he hoped I was still able to have a good holiday, despite everything.  I replied that I have known the truth from the start about all this and so I did.  He asked me to clarify what I meant by the truth and I told him that I've known from the beginning I did nothing inappropriate.

Just waiting for this process to play out.  Hope it will and soon.

Still not certain I want to do this anymore.  That's not good.

nuts....

Almost in Georgia.  I would already be in Florida, by now, but I 95 is a virtual parking lot.  Stopped now at a Waffle House for dinner and hoping the traffic will clear.  Not real hopeful. This is Thanksgiving "going home"traffic.  Was hoping I would miss that. Wrong.

Tried to check into the local motel 6; the last room was taken by the person in line in front of me. It was a smoking room anyhow. Can't stand being in one of those no kind of a way.

Tired.  Didn't know how much until I stopped. It's usually like that. Guess I will just have to get back on the road after this and motor on.

Now and then I find myself pondering my possible return to CLMS and still, I feel uncomfortable about doing that. Not certain I can do it.

So do I just collect my RV and head back?

The thought sure is tempting, believe me.

And this is how I feel right about now.

But it's never easy with me. Sure, I  could go back to subbing at RCMS. The people there REALLY want me to do that.

Bug bombed the house, again, as I left today.  Not sure how much good it will do.  Bugs weren't as bad as before, but they are still there.  Not good.

No one bothered me during my stay.  Didn't even see the Red necks across the street but once. Ma Barker, of course, is history. Saw her new occupants briefly, but didn't say anything to them.

This morning, early, before the sun, I threw on  winter jacket and, still dressed in running shorts (LOL!) was going to walk around the block, blindfolded, just to find out what it would be like. yeah, I am weird like that, I guess.  I walked a short distance, then took off the blindfold. Kept veering to my right and into neighbor's yards.  Not good. I abandoned my adventure, went back to the house and then, abandoned my plan to depart early (0600) and went back to bed.

Geez...might not be in this predicament if I had done that.  Might not have. No guarantees.

Didn't depart until after 10 AM.

I plan on coming back December 21st, less than a month from now. It's entirely possible it could happen before that.  Won't know for sure until I return.  I will spend at least one more day at the bus garage, as the investigation wraps up.  Then, who knows?

The kids are going to ask when I get back, assuming that I do, in fact, do that. What will I say? What can I say?  Not been in this situation before.

Might try the blindfolded walk around the block again, when I get back, very early in the morning, of course, so as not to encounter any traffic. My neighborhood is strange, like me; it has traffic at all times, albeit sporadic and occasional.

What if one of my neighbors sees me skulking about blindfolded?

So what?  I will never know and as I have said, time and again, I don't really care, any longer, what anyone thinks of me. I've come to realize that I actually don't.

Met with the group I refer to as the "revolutionaries,"  yesterday at Natty Greene's.  Most of us are seniors and kind of "liberal" (hate that term) in our outlook.  We met via writing letters on the news and record blog and via Facebook. Life has been turbulent for us over the past year, watching our country going down the proverbial tubes. But it's been people like us who have kept the"heat" on and the ACA is still with us because of that.  Some republicans realized the folly of their own parties path and veered off of it.  The next big thing is the criminal "tax reform" bill they have in the congress. The house has already passed it. No surprise there.  We're hoping the few maverick republicans in the Senate will keep that from happening there.  No telling.

It's peculiar.  Republicans have control of both houses of congress, the white house and a right leaning Supreme Court and they still cannot manage to ram their regressive agenda through....not YET anyhow.

Time to get back on the road....

Kingsland, Georgia tonight, three miles from the Florida line.  Back in Clermont by tomorrow morning, late.

I start back tomorrow

Went to thanksgiving lunch with the Daniel clan and dinner with the Thompsons, both by invitation. It was good seeing them.

I've got to believe the meme on my left. Have to.

These aren't the most turbulent times in my life. I have seen far worse. Yet I have once again come to understand how my mother wound up with the mindset she did.

"Dogs are loyal; people stink."

Yes, she was inebriated when she said that, but it's the thought that counts most.

I remain determined NOT to wind up with that attitude. Don't want to lose that particular battle. I do and I have lost that soul I just mentioned. There are difficult people in the world. Evil ones too. But there are the other kind as well; lots of them. Gotta remember that.





So yes, I am heading back to Florida tomorrow morning, early.  The issue with me is very nearly settled. Not 100% sure, yet, just what I will do when it is. Not 100% certain what I SHOULD do.
Much will be determined by the final findings of the investigation.  Right now, most think I will be reinstated at CLMS.  The union rep is certain of it. But he could be wrong.

There's a chance I will be moved somewhere else.  Do I want that? I went to Florida to teach 6th grade science. If I can no longer do that...

Why is it that, too often, life is a conundrum for me?

still somewhat compromised, I guess...

the thought of returning to CLMS makes me feel cold inside...not at all sure it's what I want to do.

Why visit to RCMS complicates things.  They want me back and said so, several times.

Not at all sure what to do....

Seems to be the thing to do, anymore, in the land of the "free." Worse yet, so many delusional people at or near (or below) the poverty line buy their bull shit and allow this to go on, religiously voting republican.

I've said it so many times before and will say it again: too much stupid loose in America. Way too much. And it's cost us and will continue to do that until something miraculous happens. If and how that will happen...who knows?

Education is key. I know that is very cliche but it remains true.  The educated tend to think more for themselves and have a wider perspective.  Small wonder, then that the republicans are so down on public education.  They would see a world where only the few have education, where the populace is docile and compliant and didn't ask questions, choosing instead to just take orders.  I know that is terribly judgmental and I have tried, oh so long, to steer away from that conclusion but I find myself with little choice now. I'm no democrat and don't particularly like nor trust the donkey anymore than I do the elephant, but the species of republican we have now is simply evil and delusional. Again that is judgmental, but I feel it is true. Dwight D. Eisenhower and even Richard Nixon would not recognize their party anymore.

Meantime, my very unfavorite time of the year is upon us.

For the second year, I will not be sharing it with the Griffins. And I am fine with that.

All the rush and bother just gets to me.

Black Friday was an honored tradition with the Griffins.  too many things I found objectionable were.

"Hurry hurry hurry - get there yesterday..."

And I developed a solid dislike for being in the middle of their personal issues.  I was. Come to believe Mike used me to get back in contact with his high school lover. He and Deb were perpetually on the edge.

Add to all this, I have enough drama in my life and don't need any additional.  They see the world and people very differently than I do, as well.  Not a good mix.

Meanwhile, I am feeling like a schitzophrenic.   One moment I am resolved NOT to go back to CLMS. The next I feel a rise of righteous anger and feel like I must, that I need to think of the students I would be bolting on.

Will have to decide soon.  Saturday I head back.

So here I am....

the house is still here.

Almost wished it were not.  The place still has a significant roach problem.  Water still works. So does the heat pump.

Ma Barker's house appears to be empty.  Haven't seen anyone in it since I arrived yesterday afternoon.  The skanks are still there.  Haven't seen them yet, but have seen their cars.

By a peculiar twist of circumstance, I am subbing at RCMS this morning, for the art teacher.  I decided to turn my calling protocol back on yesterday and at 530 this morning, got a call. Too good to pass up.

Why not?

Have seen a few students and some remember me.  I won't know any of the 6th graders, of course, but both 7th and 8th should remember me.  I worked with nearly all of them last year at some time.

I had not gotten any homesickness...
until this morning.

Like I said, yesterday, right now I am very emotionally compromised. Don't want to make any decisions while in this state. NO pun intended.

Part of me does not want to go back.

We had a frost this morning.  32 degrees exactly.  Winter is coming on.  It gets cool in florida too, but not like this.

Then, part of me feels obligated.  Despite what has happened, I feel the overwhelming number of my students have already bonded with me (yes, middle schoolers do that too) and I don't imagine the effect on them would be a good one if I just departed.

Seems like my life is constantly at a crossroads.  Here we are again.

yeah...that was me....

The CCR reunion is coming up this summer and since I am in charge (???!!)  I ought to begin working on that.

Did some writing on my saga of CCR yesterday, first time in many months.

Written some on all three of my works in progress since the calamity at school. As I said, it is the first time in a LONG while I have had time or energy.

Bottom line: I want my life back. It has been dominated by school since August.  I understand that to a degree, but I am just NOT okay with having time for little else, particularly since I am keenly aware that I am in the sunset of my years.  I turn 70 next year.  I still have other things I want to do with my time and my life.  I am going to actively oppose or resist anything that keeps me from doing that.

It's never easy for me.

Never.

I have enjoyed working in a full time science class again. I still have a passion for it and still feel I have a lot to give.

But is my current situation a safe one?

After the past week, I am very much uncertain.  I don't handle uncertainty very well....


Things have gone well, thus far....6th grade is well behaved.  7th grade was okay.  8th grade coming soon.

Waltersboro South Carolina

Didn't get underway until about 10 AM.  Why hurry?

I actually slept soundly last night, one of the few times I have this past week.  The nightmare is not over completely.  Not yet.  The investigation isn't completed and won't be until after the holidays.

No, Warf, they do not.  Driving long distances always allow me to ponder things and that isn't always good.

Fortunately, there hasn't been a lot of worry over what "could have been." Not now. There sure was. For four long days I wondered what in the HELL I was supposed to have done.

The words "inappropriate touching" can chill the soul.  That can mean A LOT of different things.

Grabbing a breast?

Groping?

Young girls (and boys) have quite the imagination.

From the start, the union rep said some kid was mad at me and was setting me up.

It now appears he was correct.

The results of the investigation (hate that word) are just about foregone, but I will believe it when I HEAR it.  too many surprises in the mix lately.

Right now, I am "emotionally compromised."  They've asked me to keep things to myself and except for the teacher next door to me, who I had dinner with last night, I have and I will.

Still formulating what I might say to the kids when they ask about this.  They will. They already have.  The word is that I had to go away for awhile.  No further detail.  Gonna ask for some advice on that one.

I've been invited to Thanksgiving "lunch" with some long time friends from the old neighborhood. It will be good to see them.

I plan to stop by my old school too.  It will be good seeing them too.

I still haven't completely decided what the future holds.  My former comrades desperately want me back to sub.  This last incident scared the Bejesus out of me.  What guarantee is there that it won't happen again, particularly considering the inmates run the asylum? The people who did this did it, I am convinced, because they feel emboldened. Discipline is nearly absent at CLMS.  I am told it has been this way for awhile.

Just not sure.

Today is going to be excruciating....

I've a premonition.  I just do.

The HR person emailed me rather than calling.  He has my cell phone number.  And my access to school email (which he contacted me on) has abruptly, as of yesterday, been blocked.

Does not look good at all.

I had it wrong.

Thank the good lord I had it wrong.

The fact that I covered some kid's eyes and I put my arm around a student while talking to them...that is ALL they have.

"Improper touching?"

How is either of them improper?  The union rep came to that conclusion even before I did.

The investigation now moves to its next phase.  I depart for home in the morning.  Five days off this coming week.

Good.

Day 3

They want to meet with me tomorrow.  It's gonna be another fitful night, I hope not.

They've been really good to me here at the bus lot.  Sat at my computer all of yesterday and today, thus far, doing some school related things, but also doing the first serious writing I've done in months.

A Canadian friend on facebook said he pitied us because we are in a struggle for our soul.

No doubt he was right.

No question of that anymore although some still cling to the Trumpist line of reasoning (if one can call it that) and still support his antics.

Madness.

Utter madness.



I am still seriously entertaining calling it quits.  Strange as it is, I have actually felt some relief at not being at CLMS these past few days.  Don't believe I will ever be comfortable there again.

Disappointment.

Didn't see this coming.  And I've just about concluded that a portion of its occurrence is due to the fact that the inmates DO in fact run the asylum.  They feel emboldened enough to do something like this.

Tales of bullying abound. Now I, too, am a victim of it.

Day 2 of my exile.....

no word yet, but it's only morning as I write this....

The people here at the "bus lot" have been great, leaving me alone for the most part.

My mind and innards are not so much in turmoil as they were.  I have begun to see this thing for what it is...

The inmates rule the asylum at CLMS and thus they feel emboldened.

The longer this goes on, the more inclined I am to just call it quits.  Sad. Really sad, because up until now, things have gone relatively well.  A few problems in class but nothing that others have not had more of and ones I have been able to deal with.

It has felt good being back in the proverbial saddle.  I enjoy teaching earth science.

This assignment seemed perfect for me....grade 6, earth science (my strength) and it got me away from the toxic situation (and the roaches in the house) back in Greensboro.  It has helped financially too. By years end, I would be rid of two major financial burdens and I could return to retired life in better financial condition.  And it's nice and warm; not so back home.

Winter is coming on. Judging by what's been seen thus far, it might not be a kind one.

The existence of a "snow bird" appeals to me.  Eight months in Carolina, each year, and four here in the sunshine.  Bees RV park isn't a bad place. No place is perfect.  Irma not withstanding, my stay here has been tolerable.  Not as expensive as in some other places.  And I have Comcast cable now, with reliable internet and fair good tv.

It's a dilemma.

Its cold and there is a lot of stupid running loose back in Carolina, but people there don't seem   so crazy stupid as they can be here.  Driving up and down highway 27, I can see all the ads for injury lawyers.  In science fair project, "liability" is a big issue.  Science fair projects!!!  How crazy is that?

And I've become aware of some other toxic situations at CLMS.  A TA is being forced to resign. She's new to the school and to the school system.  Her "crime?"  As perceived, she is fairly good looking, works hard, is very professional in dress and action.  The insecure fear people like that, particularly middle aged and late middle aged women.  I fear that if I remain, that fate might await me. Perhaps that is one of the issues I am dealing with now.  Who knows?

I would miss the kids.  Have  become rather fond of almost all of them, even the irritating ones. They have returned me to a feeling I have missed having, that of having my own students.

But now?  Is it still a viable situation for me?  Will others view me with jaundiced eye? Can I ever feel comfortable again, assuming they even welcome me back to CLMS?

Again, I am thinking it might be best if I just called it off.  I oughta know something soon.

They've been nice to me...

the people at the "bus lot."  Came here around 830.  They had me do some filing and some shredding.  Made a mighty mess when I did so they set me about to cleaning it up.

Fair enough.

No word yet.  I hate the waiting.  No real inkling as to how this will go, but I have just about decided it's time for ME to go.

The only question is as to just when I will go back "north."  I do not relish the notion of returning to NC when it is cold.  Yeah, I am a wimp.  Being here has spoiled me.  And I still have some things I want to do while here.

Pretty sure there will be no "criminal" investigation, like there was in Guilford.  Of course, I know I have done nothing criminal, regardless.  Didn't know I had done anything wrong until I got called the the office.

Our school union rep told me, as I think I said, that my only fault was in being kind.  I am nice to the kids or at least try to be.  Some of the girls have apparently misunderstood that for something else.
that's what happened 30 years ago, that and the meddling from one of the mothers who took the girls, four at a time, out to a local mall and interrogated them, stirring them up, pumping them full of notions. Caused a lot of pain for a lot of us.

Some things are just not meant to be.

Time to retire, AGAIN, and go back to my writing?

I've actually had time to do some serious writing the last few days.  Sent off some "textbook" assignments to my sub but, other than that, no school work. It felt nice to be able to do that. I want to do more of it.  I'd like my life back again.

Saw some postings on FB of events at Rock Middle.  I recognized most of the kids in the photos and I guess I really do miss them.  Sybil told me I needed to be away from there.  Not sure I understand why.  Her reasonings sometime puzzle me.

meantime, my access to student skyward has been restricted

The longer I am in "limbo," the more chance there is I will just call it quits.

Spent a tortured night....

Slept uneasily.

I've a strong sense I just need to yield to the inevitable.  I won't be returning to clms except to get the remainder of my things.  How can it be otherwise?

Met with the HR director, accompanied by the union rep.  Nice guy.  Very professional. Nothing like the "hanging judge" I dealt with in Guilford 30 some years ago.

According to the union rep (been here four years) the HR director believes the allegations to be "bull shit." I will believe it when I hear it.

Meantime, I have actually been given the day off.  Just came from a workout at CF and am having lunch at Carabbas. Shame on me.

I am determined to survive this.  Right now, I do NOT want to return to CLMS no matter what the verdict is.  Won't feel safe or comfortable.

Don't want to go north into the cold either.  Pondering selling the house to some reclamation agency and just going back into retirement and becoming a "snowbird."  It's appealing.  Could finally work, full time on my books, particularly the one about  camp chimney rock.  The next reunion is this summer and I want to have it finished and printed up for the occasion.  My other blockbuster, And Reap the whirlwind is timely fiction an; want to complete it before it comes to sinister reality,,,

I will know more tomorrow

This is going to be painful, I think.

Been pondering things all weekend long.  A hell of a way to spend a weekend. Thought about going out to the coast; never did get up the gumption to go.

Did a fair amount of napping. Didn't go to CF.  I should have, Physical activity would have benefited me I think.

I'm conflicted.  Yeah, back to the old routine.

Some of me wants to just tell them I will just head home. Things didn't work out.  Another part of me says to just wait it out.  If they tell me I have to be removed from CLMS, then I will depart. Came here to work at CLMS. If that is not possible anymore, why stay?

Coming here was good for me.  I already decided that. Got me away from some things I desperately needed to be away from.  A different venue was much needed.

Which way to go?

So often I have found myself asking that.  And so here we are again.

Damn.

talked to the union rep this morning...

I feel a little better but remain skeptical.

The rep says he has dealt with this kind of thing, before.  So have I, a long time ago.

Well, it happened....

Home early today and not for a good reason.  Lord above.

Some female students say that they feel uncomfortable round me.  Came out of the blue.  Mr. M called me into his office to tell me and advised I return home for the day.

I was stunned, unsure just what to say...so I said nothing.  That might go against me. Just didn't know what to say or how.

It's happened before, a long time ago.

It looks like my career in education is over.  Even if, after the investigation, they determine I'm okay, once an allegation like this is made, your reputation is toast - no way around it.

Looks like I am going home to Carolina after all....

😉😞

Perhaps....

I just need to focus on things I  can control.

My classes are going along well, with an occasional bump in the road.

I still enjoy coming to school each morning, still enjoy working with students again.

I can't fix everything.  I lack the wisdom and, honestly, the time and energy.

I am no Gahndi, not an MLK or Simon Bolivar.
Don't even make a decent Spartcus. Not really. I am not savage enough.

Why not focus on things I can do?

Sounds like a good solution to me.

I dont want trouble

I sure have a penchant for getting into it.

Visiting kennedy space center again today. The ERC is still closed. Durn

November is here

and things continue to move along.

Things have settled for me in my classroom. Of course, some of my worst students have been absent the last three days too.

Told my A block what to do if they are being bullied at school and admin does nothing.  Told them to have parents call the school, at least twice, and if that does no good, to contact the superintendent. If that still gets no results, if there is an incident where they are threatened or harmed, then they need to have parents go downtown and file a report.

Yeah, Spartacus lives.

I guess I will never be rid of that tendency.  It's in my DNA.  Got me in trouble in Catholic Schools and a few times in the public schools too.

Never been able to sit back and watch.